An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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