Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
