I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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