who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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