When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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