it wasn't lemon gatorade
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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