No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
