i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
