her vagina looked like bernie madoff
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
