i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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