batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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