literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My liver just had a heart attack.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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