Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
