turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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