Just cropdusted the office
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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