So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
