So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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