ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You ruined the universe
Randomize
