You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
