The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
