You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize