happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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