Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
