why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
