ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just had sex on a roof
I need to sanitize my soul.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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