when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
