i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
