good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you inspire me to be a worse person
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
