you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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