I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
