well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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