I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I love you. Go after that dick
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
