Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
