i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I didn't notice because vodka
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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