pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
