My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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