ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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