I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
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