we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
