i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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