My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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