So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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