she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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