sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Yo dont text me then not text me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
