I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
