I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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