Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
