Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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