i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize