fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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