I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize
