you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize