Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
