before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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