2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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