Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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